Bored at work yesterday, I decided to see if Carole's website was still active. Have you met my dear friend, Carole, the DBE amputee who is also severely myopic? She is a true gem. And she's totally not crazy. No, not at all. There are many perfectly sane human beings who decide to chop off their hands in an "accident" so that they can fulfill their lifelong wish of being a Double Below the Elbow Amputee, sporting stainless steel hooks. Anyway, she is one interesting character, and I figured that in my first official blogging moment I would post a letter she wrote defending her now defunct website. This is a real treat. Below, is pure insanity. Enjoy!:
First and foremost, it’s extremely important to note that I’ve always had, and I’ll always continue to have, a tremendous amount of respect and also a tremendous amount of empathy for all “handicapped” people, especially all amputees, and most especially all women amputees. Secondly, and you’ll have to take my word for it at the moment, I honestly know enough about being “handicapped” or “disabled” that I would definitely never ever wish any “handicap/disability” on any normal person who wasn’t 100% absolutely positively willing to totaly accept the “handicap/disability” and everything that goes along with it. Lastly, please understand that I’m not asking you or anyone else to condone my wanting to voluntarily amputate both of my hands and both of my wrists so that I can replace them with stainless steel hooks, and I’m most definitely not trying to convince you or anyone else to ever do what I’m going to do.
The reason Rob – my fiancé – and I set up my web site was very simply and very specifically to get “feedback” – both positive and negative – from interested and knowledgeable people, especially from real amputees. Originally, when Rob and I decided to set up my small web site a little more than a year ago, I quite simply and also quite specifically only wanted to add to my knowledge about becoming a real DBE – double-below-elbow – amputee and add to my knowledge about actually living as a real DBE amputee with a pair of hooks for hands. Obviously, I’ve always wanted to be absolutely positively 100% certain that I would be making the “right decision” for me because I know full well that I’m always going to have to live with all of the many effects – both good and bad – of that “decision” for the rest of my entire life. I’m now absolutely positively 100% certain that my becoming a voluntary DBE amputee so that I can wear a beautiful pair of body-powered arm prostheses with twin Dorrance #5X stainless steel hooks is definitely the “right decision” for me. Yes, I fully realize that purposely amputating both of my hands above my wrists will not only very profoundly affect my life, but it’ll also very profoundly affect the lives of many other people who know me and who love me – my parents, my relatives, my friends, etc., etc., etc. In fact, my being a DBE amputee and having a pair of hooks for hands will in some way most definitely affect the lives of everyone who comes in contact with me.
Rob and I never decided to set up my web site purposely and/or specifically to look for any “help” of any kind, although several people have strongly suggested, not surprisingly, that I seek out professional “help” from psychologists and/or psychiatrists. I already consulted with a psychologist long before we set up my web site. We also never intended to set up my web site purposely and/or specifically to start any kind of discussion/debate about anything related to people – like me – who voluntary want to amputate one or more of their limbs. Honestly, my web site is a means for me to ask for advice on a very important decision that I’ll have to make in my lifetime. Both of my parents have always taught me to ask for advice from experienced people whenever I’m contemplating making any very important decision. When I wanted advice on selecting one of the best colleges to attend to prepare me for my career as an exceptional education teacher (i.e.: a teacher of “handicapped” children), I asked my parents. When I wanted advice on the types of lenses that would best correct my severe myopia, I asked my optometrist. When I wanted advice on what courses I’d need to take to get an Exceptional Education Teaching Certificate, I asked my college advisor. Before I ask for any advice concerning any very important decision that I’m very seriously contemplating, I always first make a tentative decision, after which I seek the very best advice from the most experienced people whom I can personally consult to determine if I should definitely finalize, or if I should change, that tentative decision. Concerning my personal decision – originally tentative, but now most definitely final – to become a real DBE amputee, I obviously couldn’t ask for any advice from my parents, my doctors, my college advisors, most of my friends, or any of the many very experienced people whom I would normally ask for advice. So that’s why Rob and I put up my web site. My web site IS NOT, as some people have stated, a “cry for help” from a “nutcase” or from a “sick/demented wacko” or from a “G++damn freak” or from an “extremely disturbed f+++ing psycho” or from a “woman who is insecure about her womanhood” or from a woman who’s just “fantasizing” about modifying or mutilating her body. I’m definitely not into “masochism” or “self-hatred” or “body-hatred” and my body has no tattoos and no piercings. In fact, I don’t wear any jewelry at all, unless you consider my glasses to be jewelry, and I also don’t wear any makeup at all. I’m not “high” on anything except life! I’ve never used any kind of mind-altering drugs – I don’t even like to take aspirin. I haven’t had any alcoholic beverages in several years, and I’ve never smoked anything, except when I tried a few regular cigarettes when I was younger. I’ve always been an excellent student in addition to being a pretty decent athlete, and I’ve always been considered to be somewhat of a “tomboy” by many people, including both of my parents. Lastly, even though I’ve had my fair share of boyfriends over the past eight years of my life, I’m still a virgin – strictly by my own choice. And Rob – strictly by his own choice – is still a virgin, too, and he’s had a lot of girlfriends in the years before we met.
Debbie, a traumatic DBE amputee who’s a close friend of mine and who I also consider to be my role model, was the first person to strong suggest that I consult with a psychologist/psychiatrist in order for me to determine just exactly how strong my desire is to become a real DBE amputee. I’m sure that my parents (who know absolutely nothing whatsoever about my wanting to become a real DBE amputee), and almost everyone else who knows me (most of whom also know absolutely nothing whatsoever about my wanting to become a real DBE amputee), would also most definitely want me to consult with such experts. Yes, I’ve already consulted with a very excellent and an extremely well-respected psychologist, a woman who’s also a traumatic LAE – left-above-elbow – amputee, and she’s found me to be mentally “fit” in all respects. So I’m not suffering from OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder), or any other “mental illness/disorder” of any kind. And I’ll have to ask that psychologist if she thinks that I’d benefit from any “in-f+++ing-tensive therapy or any other kind of traditional therapy. As I quite openly tell everyone who asks me, I just want to become a DBE amputee because I honestly want to spend the rest of my entire life wearing a pair of body-powered arm prostheses that have Dorrance #5X stainless steel hooks in place of my two amputated hands and my two amputated wrists. It’s very important to understand that I most definitely DO NOT want to become a DBE amputee because anyone else wants me to become one, or because I want to be crippled, or because I want other people’s sympathy, or because I want to be dependent upon other people, or because I expect to be able to gain anything financially, or because I want to make my life easier to live, etc., etc., etc.
I honestly believe that spending the entire rest of my life with twin hooks instead of my two real hands will make me a much better person, a much happier person, and a much more beautiful person. Please note that those are my personal beliefs, and I’ll never try to force my personal beliefs onto anyone. Of course, I do know that very few women actually have personal beliefs like those of mine, and of those very few women, even fewer are willing to openly discuss their beliefs. And, all of those attributes – my being a much better person, my being a much happier person, and my being a much more beautiful person – relate to something that I’ve always referred to as “feminine strength” – which has absolutely nothing to do with a woman’s physical strength. When I say “feminine strength” (there’s probably a medical term to describe it, but I’m not aware of just what it is; perhaps one of you can tell me what that term is), I’m referring to the quality that every woman has which enables her to overcome life’s many obstacles and still be able to live her life successfully. I’m sure that every man has a similar quality – “masculine strength” – which also has nothing to do with a man’s physical strength. I’ve already developed a certain amount of “feminine strength” as the result of my being born with severe myopia and having to live my entire life with less than “normal” vision. It hasn’t always been easy for me to have to wear glasses with thick lenses just to be able to see with some semblance of normalcy, but I decided a long time ago that neither my vision nor my glasses would keep me from doing what I wanted to do with my life. Now, I honestly love being severely myopic and having to wear glasses with thick lenses, and now I’d never ever want to have “normal” vision. My wearing a pair of unusual glasses emphasizes the fact that I don’t have normal vision, and that’s just one unique way that I can show everybody a little bit of the “feminine strength” that I now have. Similarly, my wearing a pair of stainless steel hooks will also emphasize the fact that I don’t have any norman hands, and that’ll be just another unique way to show everybody a whole lot more of the “feminine strength” that I’ll have. Incidentally, “feminine strength” is very addictive. So I guess that I really am an “addict” of sorts because I’ve got a little bit of “feminine strength” and I definitely want some more. But, more importantly, “feminine strength” is something that you cannot buy, it’s something that nobody else can give you, it’s something that you cannot pretend to have, it’s something that you have to work very long and very hard to get, and it’s very obvious to everyone just how much of it you have, or just how little of it you have.
I really do love how Dorrance #5X stainless steel hooks look and especially how they function. That’s why I’m quite positive that people staring at my twin hooks won’t bother me very much at all. I’ve spent my entire life dealing with people’s stares/comments/questions and the resulting attention I get because of my vision and my glasses, and now I really do enjoy most of those stares/comments/questions and most of the resulting attention. So, I know that I’ll also really enjoy the additional stares/comments/questions and the resulting attention I’ll get because I’ll soon be a DBE amputee and soon have twin stainless steel hooks instead of two real hands. And I’ve already learned, at a very young age, that there are a lot of people who won’t ever consider me to be a “normal” woman because I have to wear glasses with thick lenses to correct my severe myopia, and I’ve always effectively dealt with those people. Therefore, I already know that there will be a whole lot more people who’ll consider me even less of a “normal” woman when I have to wear twin hooks to replace my two amputated hands! I’ll need to develop some more “feminine strength” to allow me to effectively deal with those people, too.
As the result of putting up my web site, I’ve had the chance to learn a lot of things from several women amputees: Christine (traumatic DAE), Patricia (traumatic DAE), Hannah (traumatic DBE), Jane (traumatic DBE), Charlotte (traumatic LAE), and Carolyn (traumatic LAE and LAK). YES, all of them know the truth about my voluntarily wanting to become a DBE amputee, and NO, all of them have not given me their approval and/or their blessings! So I already know that it’ll be more difficult and it’ll take me longer to do things because I’ll have twin hooks than it would be for me to do the same things with two real hands, just like I already know that it’s more difficult and it takes me longer to do things because I have severe myopia than it would be for me to do the same things with “normal” vision. I already know about the intense pain resulting from all amputations and the pain resulting from physical therapy and the pain resulting from wearing prostheses. I already know about stump revision surgeries, muscle reattachment, skin grafting, etc., etc. I already know that my twin body-powered arm prostheses will definitely require continual upgrading, revisions, repairs, etc., just exactly like my glasses have always required. And, among other things, I also know that a large number of women SAE/DAE/SBE/DBE amputees usually develop arthritis and/or similar medical problems after many years of constantly using their arm prostheses. I somewhat understand the effects of arthritis on people because my father, who is not quite 53 years old, suffers from arthritis in his feet, his ankles, his knees, his hands, his wrists, his elbows, and his shoulders.
Since I’ve already gotten a teaching job – and, amazing as it may seem, I turned down quite a few offers – that begins this September, once I do become a real DBE amputee, I should be able to keep my job as long as I can demonstrate that I’m physically able to perform all of my duties as a teacher. I’ll be just as “professional” with hooks for hands as I’ll be with two normal hands. Also, because I’ll still be teaching “disabled” students, my employer should be more willing than a lot of employers are to retain a newly “disabled” employee. I do know firsthand (no pun intended, honestly) - from many of my own personal experiences - the harsh reality of being discriminated against because of a “handicap/disability” when living in our society. Believe me, trying to get a job as a young girl who had a very obvious vision problem and who wore glasses with thick and unusual-looking lenses wasn’t easy for me. It took me quite a while to get my first real summer job (as a clerk in a convenience store), and I couldn’t tell you the number of times that I wasn’t hired for a full-time waitress’ job before I finally convinced the manager of a family-owned restaurant that I could perform all of my duties as a waitress in spite of my severe myopia and my glasses with their thick lenses.
Since I’ve always been considered “handicapped/disabled” because of my severe myopia, and because I always appreciated people who’ve helped me to accept and conquer my severe myopia, I’ve always wanted to help others – most especially children – who are also considered to be “handicapped/disabled” because I believe that I’m uniquely qualified to help them. I’ve had a lot of success working with visually “handicapped/disabled” children because they immediately realize that – unlike almost everybody else in their lives – I’ve already been where they are, and I’ve already done what they need to do to get to where I am now. I’m very confident that I’ll be equally successful as a full-time teacher of “handicapped/disabled” children, especially when I finally become a real DBE amputee and have multiple “handicaps/disabilities.”
Before I end this rather lengthy message, there’s one more thing about my web site that I need to explain. I’ve used all uppercase (capital) letters throughout my web site simply because I did all of the typing using my “pretend hooks” – my index finger of each of my hands curled to mimic how I will have to type when I’ll have twin hooks instead of my two real hands. One of the many things that I’ve learned from Debbie – who’s a very good typist – is that using all uppercase letters eliminates the need to shift back and forth between uppercase letters and lowercase letters, and that’s how she does all of her typing, except when she’s required to do formal typing. I’ve never been a very fast typist, so having to type with twin hooks instead of my two hands won’t be much of a hindrance for me. As anyone who has corresponded with me knows, and as anyone who reads this message should realize, writing is usually very difficult for me, so I don’t really need to type very quickly to keep up with my rather slow thought processes.
I (and Rob, too) sincerely hope that this message will help all of you to understand me just a little better. Once again, thanks to all of you for your interest in me and my web site.
Take Care!
Sincerely, Carole (AKA: CAROLE – SOON TO BE A REAL DBE AMPUTEE)